Armchair Expertry

Have you ever noticed the gross imbalance of experts to laypersons in Internetland? It doesn't matter how many articles I read, if there is a "comments" section, it's always teeming with experts on whatever the topic of conversation is that day.

Whether it's health, finance, real estate, celebrity gossip - there has never been a time that an anonymous armchair expert has failed to come to the aid of ignorant readers in a benevolent attempt to set the record straight.

Their word is gospel, and the "comments" section their pulpit.


So I've decided that as long as I remain incognito, and post my expertise opinions in random forums floating through the vast nothingness of cyberspace, having nothing to gain or lose by being right or wrong, with absolutely zero accountability or consequence, I, too, can be an expert!

And because I'm a self-proclaimed expert, I can pull from my extensive knowledge of everything to bestow my mind blowing realizations on the collective cyber proletariat.


I can't wait to share these gems:

* Cancer sniffing dogs accurately predicted the earthquake in Haiti.

* By the year 2034, roughly 22.7% of the population will have been killed by falling space debris.

* Eating a sausage-only diet will result in extreme olfactory sensitivity and possible x-ray vision.

* Reupholstering every item in your home will increase its value by 364%.

* Palm trees eat human souls (and some monkey souls).

* The "S" is silent in the word, "Specific".

* Sacagawea was a lesbian.

It's probably best that you don't refute these claims.

I'm an expert.


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